Nicknames? Promoter of Chaos, Bearer of Ironic Omens

Where are you from? It's not where you're from, it's where you're going that counts.

Hair colour? Kind of dark brown, except for the grey.

Eye colour? Sort of greenish blue... well... grey.

Do you wear contacts? Yes, I got grey ones, I didn't like my natural shade.

Do you smoke? Only when set on fire.

Favourite hobbies? Tried origami but it was too much paperwork

Favourite game? I ask you embarrassing questions and you answer them.

Best job you ever had? Like any Scottish lad I had to become an Engineer. It's a pretty good job but all the moving about can get tiring. As a matter of fact I'm due to beam up any time now.

What is the best thing you've ever done? That curse involving a black cloud and the bottom half of a rainbow.

Most notable achievement? Incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

What was your first car? Cardboard box with Hot Wheels taped to the bottom

Ever stopped for going too fast? But my license says tear down dotted line

Last person you talked to on the phone? A telemarketer, I tried to explain why a bad childhood prevents me from wanting a new long-distance carrier.

What was your childhood like? My father was a relentless self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really.

Favourite vacation spot? The stain on my red t-shirt.

Favourite colour? Bloodshot

What colour pants are you wearing right now? Pants... what pants?

Favourite day of the year? Red tag days

Worst time of day? The time after I open my eyes.

Favourite artist? And Many More (on almost every CD I own)

What are you listening to right now? My Rice Krispies, I do what ever they tell me to do.

Favourite movie of all time? Sleepless in Seattle...,
ha, but seriously, anything with explosions and gratuitous violence

Favourite thing to do on the weekend? Go to the grocery store and read the expiry dates on yogurt containers

Favourite cologne? The one in Germany

What is the craziest idea you ever had? Parting my hair in the middle

If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? Same as now, white.
That way I would have a long useless existence, same as now.

When will you get married? First I will kidnap a beautiful princess, then we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle, in three weeks' time. And then we will honeymoon in the royal palace. Unless, of course, she says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", then I will say "Oh well" and have my minions transport her to a deserted island.

Have any pets? Have a plant.

What is your favourite flower? At my age flowers scare me

Planes, trains, or automobiles? Prefer travelling by clicking heals together 3 times

How is the weather right now? Dark and gloomy, of course it's pretty well always dark at night.

A glass is filled halfway with water. Is it half empty or half full? Twice as big as it needs to be.

Your favourite drink? Blood of an enemy.

Favourite soft drink? Already bubbly enough

Your favourite alcoholic drink? Don't know what it was but I remember that I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and find the bathroom. I though this was odd because they don't allow pets in my building. I don't drink much any more.

Favourite food? Ground animal flesh, seared, carefully placed between sesame seed buns, special sauce....

What was the last thing you ate? A turtle

Do the dishes right away or leave them in the sink? Check pants, if penis still there, don't do dishes.

Is there Extraterrestrial life? Yes, I have met many people who were abducted by aliens and are still awaiting the removal of their anal probes.

Summer or winter? Summer heat, just because I like to prepare for where I'm going to spend eternity.